Elves in Spandex part II
by aloof elf princess
Summary: Part II of the epic adventure (cough), Part I under the pen name miss2pouty. We see the girls cause havoc on middle-earth with hilarious results
1. Default Chapter

Part II Chapter 1  
  
Disclaimer and Author's note: Okay, first of all, this is Part Two of Elves in Spandex, Legolas in lurve and Three Weirdos, as appeared by Miss2Pouty. Three of us wrote this story, Miss2Pouty, Pherlaith, and me. Here's Part Two of the random but (we think) very funny story of Elle, Alicia and Morgan. Enjoy! Secondly, we own none of the characters except Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Anyway, read on.  
  
"Wait for me!" wailed Elle. She was stumbling behind Alicia and Morgan, wheeling two matching fuchsia pink suitcases, carrying a third member of the set slung over her shoulder and with the fourth and final large garish suitcase nestled in her arms. She was leading a mangy looking donkey on a rope. She was also carrying a colossal, fluffy, stuffed elephant toy which was sitting on top of the suitcase. (It was pink as well.) "Hurry up!" called Alicia, "They'll see us and shout at us!" She carried on her mad dash to reach the pier on time with Morgan, who was sprinting ahead, her long legs covering twice the distance in one single stride as any normal being could run in ten seconds. It was Morgan's fault they were leaving in the first place. They had stayed a long time in the Grey Havens (Holiday Village and Retirement Homes) and were enjoying their stay immensely. Nowhere on Earth was the sun so bright, the sand so white or the sea so clear (the grass, however, was still greener on the other side[ of the sea ] it always is.) They had remembered to send postcards (to Legolas, Bilbo and Oliver Wood) and all was going smoothly until Morgan decide it would be a good idea to sunbathe topless ( she was getting a bikini line). The Grey Havens authorities were not pleased at this, and threatened to throw them off the island. Morgan got the point(s), and the friends packed up and left. "Wait!" implored Elle again. There was no answer, as Alicia and Morgan had thundered off into the distance. Elle stopped. She had 'sand' in her shoe. Her excuses were definitely getting better these days, she thought proudly. The donkey looked around uninterestedly, then began chewing a hole in some unfortunate sunbather's swimming costume. Right at the poor guy's crotch. Ignoring the agonised cries of pain, she toddled on again a few minutes later after ogling some of the fit men walking around. Ten minutes later, the boat steamed out of the harbour (well, not quite, as it was a rowing boat, but steamed sounds more impressive) leaving the Grey Havens (Holiday Village and Retirement Homes) behind. A rather hot elfy dude was rowing the boat. Alicia, Elle and Morgan sat slumped in the prow of the ship. Morgan was wearing an 'I'm with Stupid' T-shirt (with a velcro arrow so she could point it towards whoever was currently annoying her most) and a sarong . Perched on her head at a cocky angle sat a 'Kiss me quick' hat. Alicia wore a T-shirt with the slogan 'I heart GH' emblazoned across the front of it, paired with cropped trousers. Elle and Bill the donkey were wearing matching 'I went to Grey Havens Holiday Village and Retirement Home and all I got was this lousy T-shirt' tops. (the writing was in extremely small print). Elle was also wearing a pink and lime green flowery sarong, with a large hole in it (Bill was colour blind) She was also wearing saffron and indigo hotpants, which Bill was eyeing up speculatively. All three of them were bright pink. (Due to elven fair skin, no elf has been known to get a sun tan, They all burn.) "Alicia," Elle asked in a wheedling little voice, "how do you keep an idiot in suspense?" Alicia sighed resignedly. "I don't know, Elle." "Nor me. Been waiting for someone to tell me, actually." Just as they were all dozing off to sleep, the donkey leaned over and began eating Morgan's hair. "STOP THAT!" she screeched. All the windows within a ten - mile radius smashed. "Will you please get rid of that fucking animal!" she bellowed. Elle's bottom lip began to quiver, and her eyes filled with tears. Alicia, sensing a confrontation, quickly intervened. "Guys, guys," she said soothingly " Calm down, okay? Morgan, try not to shout at Elle, and Elle, try to stop the donkey... why do we have a donkey with us?!" "This should be interesting." muttered Morgan darkly. Elle shot her an injured look. " He was all losted and alone. We couldn't just leave him there!" "Actually-" began Morgan. Alicia interrupted. "Elle, he was giving donkey rides! As in, working! As in, giving ickle kiddies rides up and down the beach in return for carrots! He was not all 'losted and alone'!" "But he has these big brown eyes...." began Elle. She suddenly sensed (an amazing achievement for her) that she was chancing her luck. "He's called Bill." "You gave that thing a name?" asked Morgan incredulously. The rowing elf dude watched in amusement. Alicia tried to plug her ears with scraps of Elle's sarong. It was going to be a looooonnnng trip. 


	2. 2

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer : the 'steel nipples' belong to Mr Bryden, Principal Teacher of History at Craigmount High School in Edinburgh. Orophin, Frodo and Strider/ Aragorn belongs to Tolkein, as do all the places, but the rest is ours. We promise!  
  
It was dark before the craft came aground on the pebbly beach which stood for a pier on Middle Earth. All was silent, except for the faint, strangely calming sound of waves crashing onto the shore, and the cry of a lone (and rather lost) woodpigeon. A few of the stars of Elbereth twinkled up in the vast, dark ether above them. Alicia gazed out into the inky blackness of night.... and Elle climbed off the wrong edge of the boat and fell into the sea. Alicia was quite hurt. "I was enjoying that moment!" she cried indignantly "I felt all poetic." Morgan snorted loudly, and muttered something sarcastically under her breath. Bill wheezed knowingly. Elle, who was struggling in the murky seawater, burbled frantically. She gestured furiously at Alicia and Morgan, who suddenly realised that their friend might not be able to swim. Annoying as she sometimes was, they didn't want to leave her at the bottom of the Bay of Belfalas. They both simultaneously leaned over the edge of the little vessel and tried to reach their companion. Unfortunately, this unbalanced the boat, which tipped dangerously. Alicia and Morgan were too immersed in trying to save Elle's life to notice this complication. Orophin, the elf who had accompanied the girls from the Grey Havens (Holiday Village and Retirement Homes) thought it would be wise to be on shore, rather than the violently rocking boat, at this precise moment in time. He nimbly leapt ashore... just as the boat slanted up, depositing its contents into the still sea. Alicia and Morgan were catapulted out of the little skiff to land in the water with a resounding SPLASH. Bill toppled into the water, braying furiously. He landed on top of Morgan. Orophin stood watching the scene unfolding in amusement. Alicia and Morgan sat in two inches of water, glaring at Elle, who pretended not to notice. "Elle..." began Morgan in a glacial tone "WE THOUGHT YOU WERE BLOODY WELL DROWNING, YOU STUPID COW!!!!" " What she means," interjected Alicia, "is that you fell in the sea and you looked pathetic and you made those gurgly noises and we thought you couldn't swim. We were trying to help you. We were trying to SAVE YOUR BLOODY LIFE!!! What the hell were you trying to say?!" She glowered at Elle. "We - ell," muttered Elle resentfully "IsaidthatmydresswasdrycleanONLY," she paused for breath "and it was getting ruined! Have you any idea how hard it is to get decent clothes around here?!" she finished sulkily. "I mean, ever since the Gap of Rohan closed..." Alicia and Morgan were staring at her open -mouthed. "It was a nice dress," she added cautiously. Morgan took a deep breath. Before she even opened her mouth to speak Alicia and Elle were cowering beneath the boat. Orophin looked apprehensively at Morgan. She glared at him, opened her mouth and let rip.  
  
Frodo Baggins was lying drifting off into a slumber on the hobbit's fourth day of trekking through the Midgewater Marshes, led by Strider. Just as sleep tickled his drowsy eyelids, he witnessed strange flares of light coming from far away to the east, towards Weathertop. He blinked, coming out of a doze. The lights were still there, or were they? Brightening and then ebbing away, they played tricks on the eyes, making you wonder if such a thing really existed. He saw Strider nearby, and queried the source and cause of the illuminations. Strider dismissed the flares as lightening, but Frodo knew this to be false. As he lay down to sleep, a black shadow gripped his heart. Sleep was a long time coming to the small hobbit.  
  
Elle and Alicia glanced at each other; Morgan seemed to have finished. All was quiet outside the little log boat. Apprehensively, Alicia lifted the corner of the wooden shell which had protected them from Morgan's wrath. Blissful peace and quiet greeted her. She scrambled out from the boat...to be confronted by a dazed looking Orophin. "The lights...the shining.... " he burbled. It was all Alicia could get out of him. She felt sorry for the little guy. Elle crept out behind her. "Awwww, poor lil elfy dood!" she cooed. "But rather hot!" she added as an afterthought. She bent to perform the Kiss of Life (she'd had plenty of practice during their trip) but something caught her eye. "Eeeeeewwwwwwww!" she screeched "He has sticky out nipples! They're, like, nipples of steel! They must be steel nipples! Eeuugghh! Look at them, sticking through his robey thing! Yuck!" She withdrew hastily. Meanwhile, Alicia was tentatively approaching Morgan. "Must have been some fireworks display, Morg." Alicia commented. Morgan, who was sitting by the shore facing the sea and meditating, nodded. "I needed to get it out of my system," she replied simply, adding as a final thought, "Oohhhhmmmmm!" 


	3. 3

Chapter 3  
  
Disclaimer: Okay, we own absolutely nothing, except Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Yadda yadda yadda.  
  
The next morning dawned bright and early ("Damn! Why does it always do that?" growled Morgan). The three elven maids began their long journey from the Bay of Belfalas to Rivendell, avec donkey, baggage and hot elf guide. Their journey took them many days; they travelled for over a week. During this lengthy trip, they all grew bored and exasperated. Elle, of course, tried to entertain everyone with her (non-existent) wit. "Did you hear the one about the elf, the hobbit and the orc?" she asked. "They all went into a bar..." "Elle, shut up before I kick my foot up your sorry ass!" screamed Morgan. "Who told you I was into that?!" replied a bewildered Elle. They sailed as far as they dared up the River Isen, then carried their little boat to the tributaries of the River Gwathlo. The group travelled up Gwathlo as it metamorphosed into the River Hoarwell, then until it became the River Bruinen. (As the three friends were now elves, Alicia insisted on calling the rivers by their elven names.) When they reached the Ford close to Rivendell, Orophin was adamant that they complete the rest of their journey on foot. Unfortunately, this dramatically slowed the pace, as Elle consistently managed to get 'gravel' in her shoe. They finally reached Rivendell on the morning of October the twenty-fifth. Elle tied Bill up by a copse of trees just inside the Last Homely House. All was peaceful as they entered the hallowed place, crossed the sweeping lawns and headed towards the House of Elrond. Suddenly Alicia spun round. "Did you say October the twenty-fifth?" she inquired. Orophin nodded dumbly. "Ooooohhh, yay!" she squealed "The Council of Elrond takes place today! I always wanted to see it! Do you think it's like the film? Ooh! Let's go and join in! It'll be great fun! Yay!" With that, she took off towards the porch on the front of the house.  
  
*  
  
Elrond looked gravely around at the guests at the Council as they listened attentively to Glóin as the dwarf finished his story. Ignoring all the murmurs that rippled through the gathering, Elrond addressed them all. He spoke of the forging of the rings of power fabrication of the One Ring. He spoke of the fall of Númenor, and of the great battle fought between Sauron and the Last Alliance, led by Gil-galad and Elendil. He recounted the deaths of Gil-galad and Elendil, and was about to explain the path of the One Ring through the history of Middle Earth, when three elven maidens skidded onto the porch, interrupting the proceedings and spoiling the solemnity of the moment. The first elf slipped across the stone floor and crashed into the granite table headfirst. When she had recovered enough to stand up, she gave a huge wink to one of the elves from Mirkwood. A second elf stormed on moodily. She had a miniature storm cloud hovering above her head. Occasionally a bolt of lightning lanced down and struck whatever was nearest. A loud crash resonated around the walled area as thunder rolled. This was followed by a torrential downpour. When the third elf finally trailed onto the porch, she shrieked "DILDO!" at the top of her voice and gave Mr Baggins, Senior an enormous hug. Bilbo turned to Frodo and whispered under his breath with urgency "There is a worse thing than orcs, Frodo, run while you still can!" Elle promptly grabbed Frodo into her and Bilbo's embrace. The second elf looked quite grumpy at the proceedings, in fact, positively cantankerous. Still, at least she carried herself with a bit more dignity than her erstwhile companions. Elrond felt quite disgruntled at them spoiling his lovely ceremony. A worried-looking male elf followed them onto the terrace.  
  
*  
  
Orophin did his best to smooth Elrond's ruffled feathers, and eventually the Council reformed. Just as Elrond was, again, getting to the crucial part of his tale, a strange beeping noise emerged from Elle's pocket. "Sorry, everyone! Hang on, this'll only take a mo!" she called, whipping out a mobile phone whose ring tone sounded vaguely like 'Auld Lang Syne', but it was actually 'May It Be' by Enya. ( one of the Lord Of The Rings ringtones - it's crap, we know from experience - authors note) "HELLO? YEAH, I'M AT THE COUNCIL OF ELROND..." was heard as she dashed off along through the terraced gardens. Elrond sighed in exasperation, then resumed his narrative. As he got to the end of his gloomy tale, an anguished cry was heard from the terraces. Morgan rolled her eyes. "Bejeezus, Elle, it was a story stricken with tragedy, and could behold the doom of Middle Earth, and the extinction of the fair elven race, yadda yadda yadda, but you don't need to bawl about it!" she called. Elle came woefully round the corner, her face a picture of misery.  
  
"I wasn't shouting coz of some tacky gold ring, I mean, platinum is soooo much cooler. It totally rocks!" she said "I was screaming coz Olli dumped me!" She burst into very loud, wet tears, and hid her face in her hands. By now, Elrond was more than a little bit pissed off at the three intruders. Morgan decided, sensibly, to take Elle away from the important meeting. They disappeared out of sight in the gardens of Elrond. Alicia remained listening attentively. However, she soon got bored of the endless dialogue - it was no better spoken aloud than read in The Fellowship Of The Ring. She gazed round the assembly, looking at each person and trying to name all of the unimportant characters to pass the time. As her eyes sighted upon the elven delegation from Mirkwood, she noticed they were all sitting primly, with their legs together and their hands folded in their laps. Not so with Legolas, though. He was sitting with his legs splayed apart, and he looked as if he was feeling himself up! When Alicia saw this, she burst out into hysterical laughter, earning herself a glare from Elrond. At this point, she thought it would be best, council or no council, to get as far away from Elrond as possible. Still chuckling away to herself, she slipped away. 


	4. 4

Chapter 4  
  
Disclaimer: We own only Alicia, Elle and Morgan. All other characters and places belong to the great lord Tolkein. All hail.  
  
Alicia found Morgan and Elle sitting in the main Dining room of Rivendell. As she entered, Alicia was slightly surprised at the surroundings. Gazing up at the lofty, gracefully arching ceiling, she mused,  
  
"It wasn't like this in the film..." her voice trailed off as she sighted her friends. Elle was eyeing up all the elves in the room, searching for a prospective crush. Finally, her eyes settled on a guy (wearing a spandex leotard, of course) that she thought looked like a particularly fine specimen. She sidled up to the unsuspecting elf, and coughed to get his attention. (Actually, her cough sounded something like 'cough cough turnaroundandlookatmenow cough', but never mind).  
  
"You're the best looking bloke I've ever seen!" she declared expectantly.  
  
"Thanks, I wish I could say the same for you." came the reply  
  
"Huh!" Elle muttered indignantly, "You could if you were as big as liar as me!" she spat at him, before turning away.  
  
Morgan was watching with interest. She'd never quite got the hang of chatting up guys. She decided to try her luck. She innocently wandered up to a solitary looking elf, then pounced.  
  
"You're the ugliest guy I've ever seen." She said brightly " I'm a big bad liar!" The elf looked at her, with a look of disdain meets bemusement, bordering on anger. He eventually decided, after much deliberation, that this was definitely an insult, slapped Morgan on the cheek, and flounced off.  
  
"Hahahaha!" laughed Morgan, completely self-absorbed, "I forgot to ask you out! Will you go out with me?!" she called after the retreating elfy derriere.  
  
Elle was still trying, hopefully, to hook an elf. Well, Oliver had broken up with almost an hour ago. To Elle, this was the equivalent to a dating drought. She dodged up to the next prospective victim, and cleared her throat loudly.  
  
"Hhmmhhhmmm! Hi!" she said brightly, "Would you accept if I were to ask you out?" she spoke hopefully.  
  
"Accept what? Defeat?" replied the elf.  
  
"Hehehehehe! You're so funny!" Elle tittered. "How did you get to be so beautiful?" she tried again (being thick enough to have not understood the put-down she had just received).  
  
"I must have been given your share!" retorted the elf, walking off.  
  
"Why, thanks!" said Elle, still in flirt mode. The truth suddenly dawned. "Hey..."  
  
Alicia was pissing herself with laughter at the antics of her two friends. Elle gave her a dark look. If looks could kill, Alicia would have been a dead, buried mouldering corpse.  
  
"Okay, Miss Smart-Arse, if you think we're so funny, you chat up a guy! Try that one, right there." Elle spoke in the nearest she could get to a furious tone. She sounded slightly constipated. She pointed to the sexiest elf in the whole hall, who was so surrounded with female admirers, Alicia could only see the tips of his attractively pointy ears.  
  
"Fine," she acknowledged. She walked up to the elf, and the crowds parted to let her through (she felt a bit like Moses, thought Alicia. She could certainly get used to this!) She looked the elf in the eye, and cleared her throat.  
  
"Hi..." she stopped, not knowing his name.  
  
"Glorfindel," one of the groupies supplied.  
  
"...Glorfindel," Alicia said. "Do you have a map?" she asked coyly. He looked puzzled.  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Coz I'm lost in your eyes." Alicia finished. She paused, trying to gauge his reaction.  
  
"Get your coat, you've pulled!" Glorfindel replied, winking at Alicia.  
  
"But...but.." she stuttered, "but...it was a...dare...I'd love to get you in bed, but...I'm going out with Legolas...sorry, bye!" She flushed crimson and dashed off. Elle and Morgan were watching speechlessly. Elle scraped her jaw off the floor.  
  
"What did you....what happened....HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" Alicia winked.  
  
"Natural charm and good looks. Of course." She flicked her hair in bimbo stylee.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Morgan interrupted, "so we suck ass! Now, what happened at the council?" Alicia looked sheepish.  
  
"Erm, well... you know what they say about words going in one ear and out the other? Well, words weren't even coming vaguely near my ears. They sprinted away in the other direction as soon as Elrond said them." She grimaced. "Soz."  
  
"Great. Really great." Said Morgan sarcastically.  
  
"Alicia," murmured Elle, "that Glorfindel guy's really hot. Could you maybe fix me up on a date with him, pleeeaaase pleeeaaase pleeeaaase....." 


	5. 5

Chapter 5  
  
Disclaimer: I still hold that nobody actually reads disclaimers and they are, in fact, a pointless waste of time. But here goes. We own nothing, just Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Blah blah blah.  
  
  
  
"Okaaay," Morgan was concentrating hard. Her tongue was hanging out the corner of her mouth. "Do you reckon we're in the film or book?" Elle was reciting over and over and over again :  
  
"The square on the hypotenuse is equal to the square on the other two sides."  
  
"Definitely book." Alicia stated confidently. "I mean, Legolas actually spoke at the Council! More than four words, as well!" She practised looking off into the middle distance, intoning 'You have my bow' over and over again.  
  
"Right," Morgan nodded. "So we have..." she paused for thought. "...about two months till the Fellowship is formed." Elle broke off from her recitation long enough to ask,  
  
"So?" in a very uninterested voice. Alicia and Morgan looked at each other, and rolled their eyes at each other.  
  
"You haven't read -" began Alicia.  
  
"NO!" screamed Elle, "So sue me!" Alicia's eyes lit up at the thought. Elle's parents were totally rolling in money. She was just about to accept the invitation, when Morgan spoke instead.  
  
"So, we're going to join the Fellowship! And help them achieve world domination - I mean, help them destroy the Ring." She hastily amended. Neither Alicia or Elle had noticed her 'slip of the tongue'.  
  
" Yeah, whatever," muttered Elle in her best 'Clueless' impression.  
  
"You'll get to be a warrior princess type thing, like, say, Xena," Alicia said slyly. Elle's eyes lit up at the mention of her heroine and idol (after Miss Piggy of the Muppets, and Barbie, of course.)  
  
"Wow!" she breathed. "Let's go, girls! We're gonna save the world!" She was suddenly transformed into a more stereotypical, gung-ho comic book character. Alicia and Morgan smirked.  
  
They stood in front of Elrond, who looked slightly dumbfounded.  
  
"Right, ladies, am I correct in assuming that you are wanting to become," he glanced at the cowering messenger elf beside him, " 'bodyguards and mentors' to the Fellowship? Who, by the way, currently exist of two little hobbits?" he looked at all three elves standing in front of him, glancing from the incredibly tall, angry-looking elf, to the little ginger one with bright eyes and a cheesy smile, to the one staring straight back in his eyes with her own piercing blue eyes, and raising a perfectly- manicured eyebrow as if daring him to refuse their request. This one was the one who had remained listening attentively at the Council, after her companions had departed. They all nodded in unison. Elrond gulped.  
  
"Okay," he said slowly, "well, you'll have to begin an intensive training program..."  
  
  
  
Alicia and Morgan trotted round the elven army compound, Alicia in a cute purple tracksuit, and Morgan wearing dark black garments, singing that well-known army chant:  
  
  
  
"We are elven, yes indeed, We are what the Fellowship needs! We will help them on their quest, Stick by us coz we're the best!  
  
We are elven, yes indeed, We will kill their enemies, We will help them get quite far..."  
  
Here they paused, lost for inspiration.  
  
"Wit and courage in a Wonderbra!" added Alicia with a cheeky grin. As they carried on round the perimeter of the camp, they came within sight of the archery range, where Elle was having lessons. As she selected one of her pink, fluffy arrows from her quiver, her little face was screwed up with concentration. Alicia and Morgan shared a quick look, then simultaneously darted for the safety of a nearby balcony, where they watched the scene below unfold.  
  
Elle aimed her arrow at the closest target and chewed the corner of her lip. With one eye squinting (not an attractive pose - even for Elle) she let go of the arrow, letting it sail through the air. She closed her eyes and whispered a quick good luck prayer, but when she tentatively opened her eyes again, she saw the arrow had landed spearing the ground in front of her. The arrow was firmly embedded in the soil, as she discovered when she attempted to pluck the arrow from its landing position. She eventually mustered enough strength to haul the fluffy arrow from the ground, which was very reluctant to give up its prize. She was just thinking that her little practise had gone unnoticed when she heard a soft chuckling coming from over her left shoulder. Legolas' crumpled frame shook with laughter as he lay helplessly on the ground. Elle stormed over.  
  
"I don't know what you're laughing at!" she spat ferociously.  
  
"Elle, you are the worst archer I have ever seen!" said Legolas, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. Elle notched another arrow.  
  
"Am not!" Her face pulled tight with concentration, she moved the bow into the best position. Legolas' laughter increased two-fold when he saw Elle's twisted features. Elle loosened her grip and turned back to the cheeky elf.  
  
"This is not funny!" As her concentration slipped, so did the arrow she was clutching. It flew through the air and shot straight into a tree. An agonised yelp was heard and an elf fell from the tall branches clasping his leg. The smile left Legolas' perfectly formed mouth. Elle flicked her flaming hair and remarked innocently, 'Whoops!'  
  
"Um.I think I have to. see. an elf about.an.orc." Gulped Legolas, sprinting away.  
  
"Oh, no you don't, Sonny Jim!" shrieked Elle, bolting after the swiftly retreating tight granite elfin ass.  
  
Alicia and Morgan (who had become accustomed to wearing dark colours) fell about laughing as they watched from the relative safety of their balcony retreat. Once they recovered enough to speak, they gossiped about the sudden change in Elle.  
  
"I don't know where that brain came from, but it must have been in hiding for a couple of centuries!" Alicia commented, leaning on the railing. Morgan threw a stone at a nearby bird, knocking the creature from its perch.  
  
"Yeah, I think the 'I'm a ginger bimbo' thing was all an act." tutted Morgan as she sent another stone flying at the hapless bird. Alicia paused poetically, head tilted towards the sun.  
  
"Uh huh, personally I think it's a good thing," she saw Morgan's look of bamboozlement, and hastily added, "y' know, no more having to explain things six times before she even remotely gets it."  
  
"I don't care, it's her shit, yadda, yadda, yadda. What I want to know is when are the Fellowship leaving?" Morgan's face looked surprisingly serene, save her eyes, which glowed with inner malice. Alicia shrugged.  
  
"Dunno exactly, remember we need to wait till all the scouts return? It was in the book, anyway, but how the hell do we get into the Fellowship in the first place? We can't join, coz of the nine verses nine thing, so who do we evict?" queried Alicia.  
  
"Gimli!" Morgan retorted, a little too eagerly. Alicia, who being close to perfect loved all living things, even if they have scary beards, shuddered slightly then said resolutely,  
  
"Why? Morgan, I know that slight upset at Mirkwood, which caused a rift between you and all of dwarf-kind may have prejudiced you slightly, but - " Alicia was interrupted by a furious Morgan before she could finish her sentence.  
  
"Slight upset? SLIGHT UPSET?! Have you ever SEEN a dwarf NAKED?! LET ALONE THIRTEEN!!! I had eighty years of counselling for that!" Morgan and Alicia both shook with barely repressed terror at the thought. The girls were sitting in silence trying to keep their breakfast down, when a petrified Legolas ran through their line of vision, followed briefly by a rampaging Elle. Alicia leant over the railing and hollered encouragement to Legolas.  
  
"Run, Forest, run!". Unfortunately, Alicia being of the clumsy persuasion, she toppled headfirst over the edge only to be caught by six hunky and semi - naked elves, all of whom were members of the 'I love Ali' fan club. She smiled sweetly as they lowered her to the ground. Morgan took slightly longer to join her companion in the garden because, like all normal people, she took the stairs. Once she arrived the pair took off faster than speeding elf maidens in long dresses.  
  
"Say I'm a good archer!" Elle shouted, the expression in her wide open eyes giving the impression that she was an axe-toting psycho. ( Actually, this was quite an accurate description of her, if you replaced the world 'axe' with 'sharp pointy stick'.)  
  
"Never!" protested Legolas. Deep down, he was finding the situation hysterical, albeit very deep down.  
  
"Have it your way!" Elle charged forward, catching the spunky elf in a headlock. She lifted her hand to ruffle the helpless elf's hair, when Alicia jumped forward from nowhere, screaming 'Nooooooooo!' In a slow motion dive, she freed Legolas from Elle's headlock and landed next to him on the ground.  
  
"My hero!" contributed a somewhat dazed Legolas. Alicia shoved a violin into Elle's outstretched arms and commanded,  
  
"Play!" A very confused (for a change) Elle inquired  
  
"Why?" Alicia rolled her eyes and explained,  
  
"Passionate embrace = violin music, and you'll do as good as anybody." Elle did the best she could, eventually getting into the swing of things. She shook her head violently, flailing her loose hair around her face, which was fixed into a violin player's face (grimace, mixed with look of intense concentration, while staring as if high off into the middle distance.)  
  
Legolas and Alicia didn't even notice Elle's supremely crap playing because they only had eyes for each other. They sat for some time pouting and staring at each other meaningfully.  
  
Morgan puffed up to the strange scene and voiced her thoughts.  
  
"What the fuck is up with you idiots?" Elle elaborately flicked her bow, enjoying her new-found 'talent' for playing violins.  
  
"Romantic love scene, here, you take over." She thrust the instrument into Morgan's capable hands.  
  
"Hell, no!" Morgan dropped the instrument at her feet, with a loud twanging noise. "Fancy a drink?" Elle did the 'Elvis' lip and shook her head.  
  
"Nah, I might go for a walk or practice some swordy things." Morgan arched an eyebrow.  
  
"Glorfindel's gonna be there." she said tantalisingly. Elle's face split in two with a smile that threatened to engulf several third-world countries.  
  
"Oooooooo! I could get him to sign my Lush Elf / Man / Hobbit Book! Will Aragorn be there?" she asked hopefully.  
  
"Nup, he's getting loved up with Arwen." Morgan yawned and stretched her arms.  
  
"Will Boromir be there?" Elle beamed as she departed with Morgan. Morgan pulled a face.  
  
"Eeeeuuuuwww! You like him?!" Elle shrugged.  
  
" No, but I want Faramir's number! Ohmigod, he is hot!" She unconsciously speeded her pace, until they were out of sight, leaving Legolas and Alicia canoodling in a bush. 


	6. 6

Chapter 6  
  
Disclaimer: Just for a change, I was going to say that I am the reincarnation of Tolkein and so own everything, but someone pointed out that this was not rue. Bugger. Anyway, we own nothing..much. Alicia, Elle and Morgan are definitely ours, though. So there.  
  
  
  
Legolas was getting very pissed off. The scouts still hadn't returned from their missions, so the Fellowship was still stuck at Rivendell. It was now early December, and Elle was getting on his nerves. He still hadn't forgiven her for almost messing up his perfect hair, and the elf just kept pestering him. Even when he took on a job as Elven Drill Sergeant to avoid her, she was assigned to his squad. All his other recruits were fine, but. His train of thought was interrupted when he glimpsed, out of the corner of his eye, Elle swimming laps in an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny fuchsia and rose polka dot bikini up and down the water pit in the army obstacle course.  
  
"Oi! Gingah mingah!" he barked in his best annoying English accent. Elle looked up innocently.  
  
"Who, me?" she asked, widening her big eyes, "But, officer."  
  
Alicia trotted past, behind a screen of foliage, unconscious of the fact there were living beings within miles. She struck up a cheery song (to the tune of 'When You're Looking Like That' by Westlife.)  
  
"He's a five foot ten, elf prince with long blond hair, Everybody who's staring, wouldn't believe that this elf's so fine. I should have known I'd fall in love, When I saw him 'coz this elf's got a pretty butt And those trousers helped to show his granite arse."  
  
She paused, imagining the music in her head, and still completely oblivious of her secret audience, some of whom were members of the 'I love Ali' fan club. They looked particularly morose.  
  
"So I had to love you, And we're going to bed tonight."  
  
At this, all the army recruits on the other side of the trees let out a collective wolf-whistle, except Elle, who snorted in derision, then asked an extremely red-faced Legolas over the catcalls,  
  
"You've not even slept with her yet?! That's bollocks, Leggy!" Elle knew fine well that he hated this nickname she had (very unoriginally) invented. " My God, what is happening to the world?! I'm a firm believer in sex on a first date, granted Alicia doesn't share my conviction, but this is atrocious! I mean, that is pathetic - no shit! Call yourself a modern man."  
  
  
  
Back at Rivendell, Morgan was indulging in a spot of eaves-dropping at Elrond's door. As Elrond spoke, she listened in what passed for horror by her standards to the devious plot unfolding before her very ears. The voices were quite muffled, but she could make out enough to satisfy herself.  
  
".scouts have returned..choosing the Fellowship tomorrow morning, under NO ACCOUNT let elven maidens know of this.. Ruin the quest, endangering our only chance to destroy the Ring." Morgan stood up in fury before Elrond's companion and co-conspirator could say anything, started to knock on Elrond's door, thought better of it, and dashed off to find her companions and mobilise them for action.  
  
Elrond was pacing in his office, recording his thoughts for the storylines (okay, so he had stolen a lot from real life, adding a minuscule amount of his own creation, but hey - nobody's prefect!) for his half- written best-selling novel (well, being Master of Rivendell wasn't all it was cracked up to be, Elrond needed the money, and besides, he was quite envious of all the media attention that Galadriel was getting) into a handheld Dictaphone, when he heard a loud crash. He flew to the door, aware that he was committing some form of crime (he wasn't sure which, something to do with copyright, maybe?), and espied a figure running away down the corridors.  
  
"Shite!" he said with feeling. He stood collecting his thoughts for a moment, then reassured himself. It had to have been one of the soon to be announced fellowship, so if he just sent them off as soon as possible, the eavesdropper couldn't possibly manage to tell anyone. He sighed with relief. He was safe, then. At least for a while, anyway. He closed his office door and walked off, coming back a few moments later to lock the door. You couldn't be too careful.  
  
At the elven army compound, Elle was still bending Legolas' ear with her relentless tirade.  
  
"I mean, we're in the twenty-first century, and you men still seem to think you're nendar- neadnor- cavemen!" she fumed, " Jeez, you two have been making googly eyes at each other for the last eighty years, and what has it come to? For Godssake, you may not have heard of the old rubber jonnies here in Middle Earth, but I'm sure.Oh, hi Morg!" she said brightly, seeing her friend, before continuing her malediction on poor Legolas, who shot Morgan a look not unlike that of a rabbit trapped in car headlights. This had no effect on Morgan, as she normally urged the driver to squash any wayward bunnies, but she felt the need to intervene to inform Elle of what she'd heard.  
  
"Elle, we need to talk. Where's Alicia?" she questioned. Elle jerked her thumb at a bush which was glowing a strange red colour. Morgan strode towards the scrub and parted the branches to reveal Alicia with her face the brightest red ever seen upon Middle, Upper or Lower Earth (apart from Elle with sunburn). She dragged her two companions to the relative privacy of a nearby pagoda.  
  
Legolas was taking his recruits through the assault course, mercifully without Elle pestering him at every opportunity, when a loud shriek rent the air.  
  
"WHAT?!" A short form exited a pagoda near the assualt course, and barreled towards him at top speed. The hapless elf found just enough time to haul himself up into a tree before the blur shot past him, scattering slower elves right, left, centre, and, in a few unlucky cases, vertically. There was a crashing noise, and a loud snap, and Legolas found himself facing a petrified elf who had just fallen through the leafy canopy, and now sat on the irate elf prince's lap. 


	7. 7

Chapter 7  
  
Disclaimer: Ever get déja vu? Once again, we own nothing except ( in alphabetical order,) Alicia, Elle and Morgan.  
  
  
  
Elle was furiously packing her suitcases, cramming all her possessions into the four open receptacles. She was having difficulty deciding whether to leave her giant fluffy elephant or her spare battery-powered eyebrow tweezers behind - Morgan had told her they would be travelling a lot, so she needed to pack as little as possible. Alicia was sitting on Elle's bed, advising her on what to pack.  
  
"No, I don't think you'll need all thirteen bikinis, take three or four. the ibook is a bit heavy, do you really need it? Yes, I know you'll want to watch DVDs, but still.No, absolutely not! You won't need your pom poms!" Elle looked up imploringly .  
  
" But we could cheer the Fellowship on." Alicia sighed.  
  
"Well, it's up to you, but you'll have to carry your own stuff, I'm not carrying anything for you again." She shuddered at the memory of the last time they had travelled, when she had been lumbered with Elle's TV, video and DVD player and computer unbeknown to her - the mischievous redhead had slipped her suitcase with her friend's at the airport.  
  
The elven maidens were planning to sneak out of Rivendell, so they could join the Fellowship on their quest with no delay or resistance from Elrond. Morgan had a grand masterplan to accomplish this feat, so naturally Alicia and Elle had no intention whatsoever of doing anything she told them. As they laboriously (in Elle's case, anyway) packed their suitcases, Morgan, (being the 'horsy person' out of the trio) was out in the Rivendell stables, dressed somewhat pretentiously in her cross-country colours of red and black, choosing a mount for their journey. She had given the stable-elf a cookie laced with sleeping potion (a recipe courtesy of 'The Evil Villain's Cookbook, Volume 3') and was proceeding to select the fastest looking horse when she heard someone calling her name. Arwen entered the stable. Morgan rolled her eyes impatiently. She had no time for this flouncing excuse for a princess.  
  
" Mistress Morgan, you are forbidden from being here." Arwen said in a whispery, breathy voice. Lots of the elf warriors were crying themselves to sleep over this, Morgan thought disgustedly.  
  
"Bite me!" she said sarcastically.  
  
` "Where?" replied Arwen innocently.  
  
"Kinky bitch!" Morgan was sure that the pretty young maiden had no idea what she was talking about.  
  
"Bondage is a girl's best friend!" retorted Arwen, looking straight in Morgan's eyes with a faint smile playing on her lips, before strolling out of the stables, leaving behind a dumbfounded, but rather impressed, Morgan. As Arwen disappeared out the swinging door, Elle and Alicia shot in. Elle ran to her beloved, Bill, the donkey, and was petting him and holding out sugar lumps (Alicia and Morgan could only guess where she had come across these in Rivendell) for Bill to hastily devour. She looked up at Morgan, babbling away as usual,  
  
"Maybe we should take some of Bill's favourite strawberry bubble bath, I mean, he might get bored smelling of mangoes the whole time. how long will this journey be; do you think he'll need his teddy bear with him, I don't want him to get homesick," Bill looked completely ignorant of this chatter, he had been happy on the Grey Havens (Holiday Village and Retirement Homes) beach giving donkey rides and all he really wanted was a good carrot to gnaw and some straw to sleep on.  
  
"..and some air freshener, his stable might get smelly, Oh! I forgot to pack any plasters or bandages in case he gets blisters from his saddle." Elle made as if to shoot back out the door and back everything she had carelessly forgotten, but with one look at Morgan's face she thought better of it. Thunderclouds were gathering over Morgan's head.  
  
"Alica," asked Morgan, "Did we ever so much as mention that we were taking Bill as our packhorse? Or, for that matter, on this trip at all?" Something in her tone hinted that the answer was very definitely no. Alica said as much. Morgan gained an unhealthy looking glint in her eye. Unhealthy looking, that is, for the person at whom her anger was directed. Elle was completely oblivious to this warning.  
  
"Oh, but if we leave Bill behind, he'll get lonely! I'm sure these elves won't take proper care of him - he needs his meals at precisely the same time, every day, and he gets very grumpy if he doesn't get his daily game of strip poker." she said, confident she would eventually get her own way. She always did. She turned her eyes towards Morgan with a cute, pleading expression in her eyes. When Morgan appeared immune to her charms, still stony-faced, Elle carefully let a single tear roll down her cheek. She had spent a lot of time perfecting this trick, one she had learnt from corny films. It had never yet failed her. Morgan's steely glare began to soften, and Elle knew she had won in the titanic battle of wills. She leapt up and hugged Morgan, dashing off to resume her packing.  
  
After the excitable elf had scampered off, her two friends looked at each other, then at Bill. The donkey was a very weedy looking specimen, definitely not up to a long journey, fraught with danger. Bill was slowly chewing on a sugar lump, when, under the maiden's scrutiny, he suddenly keeled over. The anxious elves were still staring in confusion at the prone form, when they heard the delicate strains of harp music. They saw a white form drifting slowly up from the Bill, playing a lyre, on its way up to the big beach in the sky. Comprehension finally dawned on Alicia's face. She turned to her friend who had been watching the scene with mild amusement.  
  
"So, there's obviously such a thing as Donkey Heaven, then," Morgan commented. Alicia sniffed profoundly.  
  
"Alas, poor Bill, I didn't know him very well." Alicia declared in a sudden Shakespeare moment. "Poor Bill," she said, at a loss for words (which was actually highly unusual).  
  
"Poor Bill? What are we going to tell Elle?!" asked Morgan in a slightly panicked (even for her) voice. Alicia looked thoughtful for a moment.  
  
"I had a goldfish, when I was six. Her name was Nothing Goldie Boomer Smith." Morgan looked exasperated.  
  
"Scuse my French, but what the fuck does this have to do with anything?!" she inquired as politely as she knew how. Alicia was moderately offended.  
  
"I was getting there, mon petit chou," she continued. "Nothing lived for years, and I always thought she must be the oldest fish in the world." She paused, lost somewhere in her memory. Morgan coughed loudly.  
  
"So, anyway," muttered Alicia, " One day I woke up really early on a Saturday morning, and when I went downstairs, Nothing was upside down in the tank, just floating there." Her eyes filled with tears at the memory. "And it turned out that the real Nothing had died years before. Mum and Dad just kept buying new fish to replace her each time one died so I didn't get upset. And the sad thing was, I didn't even notice." Her eyes were misting up again. When she finally looked round, Morgan was sitting there reading a Hollywell Stables book with a very bored look on her face. Alicia leaned over all the empty boxes of tissues and said with a furtive look on her face,  
  
"So, all we have to do is find some other donkey to replace Bill. Elle doesn't pay that much attention, she'll never notice." Morgan sighed heavily.  
  
"Brilliant plan, Einstein," Morgan drawled acerbically, "but where are we going to find another donkey around here that answers to the name Bill, that we could take on this quest?" They both thought about what she had just said.  
  
"What if we used a pony, instead of a donkey?" asked Alicia in a ponderous voice. Morgan's head swivelled round to look at her. Her eyes were gleaming.  
  
"Are you suggesting we use that pathetic pony that the hobbits brought with them?" Alicia nodded.  
  
"That was bloody brilliant thinking, Alicia! Let's go and find that pony!" 


	8. Chapter 8 how original!

Chapter 8  
"I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot!  
  
I'm bitchin, great hair, The boys all love to stare!  
  
Who an I? Just guess! Guys wanna pinch my ass!."  
  
Alicia trailed off, she only knew these verses. A quick glance at Elle confirmed that the irrepressible elf knew all the other thirty verses. She never ceased to amaze Alicia with her air-headed temperament.  
  
"That wasn't exactly what I was thinking of when I suggested a marching song." Morgan growled.  
  
"I know lots of other songs!" offered Elle enthusiastically.  
  
"I like big butts and it is no lie, You other brothers can't deny, When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG!"  
  
There was a brief pause, as Alicia mouthed some words to herself, before coming out with a different variation of this song.  
  
"I like small butts and it is no lie, You other sisters can't deny,  
  
When an elf walks in with a pretty, pretty face and long blonde hair in your face you get SPRUNG!"  
  
Elle and Alicia collapsed in helpless laughter. Morgan was not amused.  
  
"Bejeezus, gimme a break!" she moaned, before composing her own song.  
  
"If I die before I wake, At least in Heaven there's chocolate! (Heaven is a Mars Bar!) Coz right now on Middle Earth I've got PMT, And only a Mars Bar can save me! (Heaven is a Mars Bar!)"  
  
Alicia and Elle had stopped skipping along and were standing open-mouthed.  
  
"It sings!" Alicia was quickly shut up by a glare from Morgan.  
  
"Ooh, Morgan le Fey, did you make that up yourself, you clever thing, you!" Elle cooed.  
  
"Ha ha, very funny," fumed Morgan, "and I do not appreciate being compared to that witch, Morgan le Fey!" she said icily. Elle sensed that she might have gone too far this time.  
  
"Soz, Morg, I was only joking!" she tittered. But Morgan was still talking.  
  
"I mean, it took her years to kill King Arthur! God, call yourself evil, woman! Call me Morgana, if you have to talk to me." She told an alarmed Elle, who nodded meekly before scurrying off to 'reconnoitre' the area. Loud sobs could be heard from a bush as Alicia and Morgana passed.  
  
Half an hour, the three elven maidens had resumed their epic journey after a quick lunch break. Elle was feeling happier, and she was skipping along, singing at the top of her little voice:  
  
"It's a long way to .." Morgana wordlessly indicated a sign by the side of the road saying 'Tipperary - 3 miles'. "Oh, fucking hell!" exclaimed Elle. Morgana and Alicia nodded sympathetically as Elle spun on her heel, and headed in the opposite direction to the way the sign pointed. Glancing at each other, Alicia and Morgana shrugged their shoulders and followed her. 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
"Oh, not again!" moaned an exasperated Elle. She stood in a roller disco style hall, near a small stage where three woman wearing very skimpy gold costumes were performing. All three had enormous afro hair styles. Looking down at herself, she saw that she was wearing an almost identical get-up, except in pink rather than gold and minus the afro. Alicia was standing behind her, clad in similar clothes.  
  
"God, why do we always get stuck in the wrong films?" she asked the world at large. Alicia's eyes were shining.  
  
"WOW! I love Austin Powers! I can't believe we're really here!" she said gleefully. As she watched, Foxxy Cleopatra left the stage and went over to Austin, who was sitting on a chair. Alicia was enthralled as Foxxy began to talk to Austin through a really ugly freak. Elle studied the scene, then tugged at Alicia's sleeve.  
  
"Ali, we need to find our way back to the present before Austin Powers leaves this lair so we can find Morg. Quick!" Alicia had been ignoring her friend, until she heard Austin Powers' name come up.  
  
"Shut up, Elle! Sssshhh-what?! What did you just say? Have you seen the film already?" Elle nodded absentmindedly.  
  
"How? It didn't come out until after we got stuck in Middle Earth! Is it good?"  
  
"Yep." Elle nodded. "I saw it on the Internet months ago. Now come on!" She dragged Alicia away.  
  
Morgana was fuming. She was in Austin Powers' flat, and some Japanese twins were really bugging her. They seemed to think she was their sister. They kept on saying, "Fook you, Fook me!" and nodding their heads enthusiastically.  
  
"Fuck off!" screeched Morgana, losing her patience completely. At this, the twins began nodding so much they could have doubled for nodding dogs. She was about to tell them exactly where to go, when there was a flash. She turned round to see Alicia and Elle standing in the middle of the floor.  
  
Elle felt slightly sick. When the lights had finished swirling round she screwed her eyes up and looked around dizzily.  
  
"Those time machines are so overrated!" she ventured to Alicia, who was snorting with laughter. "Jeez, it wasn't actua lly very cool, tell you didn't just enjoy that." she trailed off when she saw what her friend was laughing at.  
  
Morgana was standing in the middle of the flat, wearing a tiny white miniskirt and a matching little white jacket. Her hair was in two high pigtails, and on her back she had a dinky bag with Fook Off written on it and a drawing of a panda which looked high. Standing next to her were two Japanese twins who looked almost akin to Morgana. All three were dressed in uniform outfits, the only difference being the words written on their matching bags. One twin wore a backpack with Fook Yu written upon it, the other twin bore the legend Fook Mi. It was clear that the pair had decided Morgana was their long-lost sister.  
  
Leaving Morgana to fight her own battles, Alicia and Elle withdrew to the famous bedroom, where they lay on the bed. Alicia was trying to recall every single Austin Powers quote possible, and Elle (for once) had adopted the role of 'sensible one' and was trying to work out how to get back to Middle Earth to complete their quest there.  
  
"It was that Tipperary sign that put me off, that's how we got here," she mused.  
  
"Yeah, baby, yeah!" exclaimed Alicia. "I shall call him.Mini Me!"  
  
"So, we need to try to get back to there.Maybe if we go to Tipperary on this earth - where's Tipperary?"  
  
"Are those sharks with frickin' laserbeams on their heads? I love you, son! Wales." Remarked Alicia.  
  
"Oookay, right, so, ummmmm, any ideas?" Elle said hopefully.  
  
"Felicity Shagwell. Shagwell by name, shag very well by reputation! We could always borrow Austin's Shaguar."  
  
"Who's gonna drive? Anyway, I have a better idea." Elle said expectantly.  
  
"What's your name? Ivona. Ivona Humpalot. What's your idea?" asked Alicia obediently.  
  
"In Goldmember, the film starts and finishes with Steven Speilburg making a film about Austin Powers' life, so if we run through the film to the end, we can escape through the film set and find the LOTR film set. Great idea, huh?" she added proudly.  
  
"Mini Me, start pumping the frickin' laser." Alicia mimicked the quotation marks and Dr Evil's trademark pinky-on-mouth manoeuvre. "It sounds a bit far-fetched, but it could work. Let's go find Morgana." 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
  
Disclaimer: The characters and places featured within are not ours. Except Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Sadly, neither is Austin Powers or the jokes featured therein. But then that's us in a nutshell. No, this is us in a nutshell: 'Help, we're in a nutshell! How did we get here?..."  
  
After extracting Morgana from her predicament, the intrepid trio set out to escape the world of Austin Powers, Alicia trying to grab any sort of souvenir she could, Morgana giving not-so-subtle hints by the way she walked that she would kill anyone who ever mentioned this again, and Elle occasionally darting out into various confrontations and intimate moments to ask for directions. At one point, Elle bumped into Austin Powers himself. "Oh, um, hi, emmm, which way to the end of the film, please?" "Moley moley mooooole! Take a left turn at Dr Evil's secret underwater base, baby! Moooo-" However, Alicia had heard the dulcet (coughcoughcough) tones of Mr Powers, and, forgetting for a moment that she hadn't seen Goldmember, popped out from their state of increased speed just long enough to say: "Hey, Scotty. WHOOOOW!" Chuckling under her breath, she was grabbed on the ellbogen by Elle, who darted back into the strange time/space continuum type thing they were currently inhabiting. Eventually, they made it to the end of the film, and were sitting in the cinema at the premiere of Goldmember, with no other side-effects other than Alicia's unfortunate tendency to yell, every so often: "Welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen." Hehehehe. Anyway, the short and short of it is, the gorgeous trio were at the cinema. Alicia was waving her 'PJ for best director!' flag. It never hurt to be too prepared for the Oscars, even if you were stuck in Middle Earth and had no conception of what time it was in the real Earth any more. After the credits screened (complete with 'tripod' joke reprise, featuring Britney Spears) Alicia and Elle began the slow process of hiding from irate cinema-goers. (The 'accidentally throwing my popcorn behind me in a funny moment' joke had not been well received.) After dragging Morgana away from Dr Evil ("Really? I would never have got the whole overused hollowed out volcano lair, thanks for all your how-to-succeed-as-an-evil-genius tips, Dr Evil.") and Elle away from Mini-Me ("Aaaaaaaaaaaaaww, you're so cuuuuuuuuuuuute! Yes you are! Ow! My finger..") they were ready for a quick trip to Casualty. "Oooooow! Little ratfinkbastardpratcutelilbugger BIT my FINGER off! No-one has only nine fingers!" she wailed. Alicia and Morgana exchanged glances. "You haven't-" they began in unison, to be cut off by a scathing glare from Elle. "Anyway, where's George Clooney gone? I thought he lived in LA-LA land.." She trailed of pathetically. "No? Someone needs to start telling me things around here!" She placed her pinky to the corner of her mouth. Morgana and Alicia looked worriedly at each other. "We reeeeeally need to get back to Middle Earth." whispered Alicia meaningfully. Morgana nodded. She slunk out of the room, perfecting her 'evil maniac' walk, and returned a few minutes later. "The only slight hitch in the plan would be that Lord Of The Rings was filmed in New Zealand. And we're not there." She added. Alicia saw the problem. "Hmmmmm, oh well, there's no reason why Dr Evil's time machine shouldn't somehow transport us to Middle Earth," she mused. "I mean, it's completely implausible, and would have saved everyone reading this chapter, but it will help us in our ongoing quest to cross-pollinate films.." Morgana nodded. "Okay, let's go for it. It's worth a try." She ran over to the time machine which coincidentally happened to be in close proximity, switched it on, and grabbed Alicia and Elle's (albeit nine-fingered) hands. They ran as one up the ramp, and struck the suitably stupid obligatory poses required when travelling by swirly time machine. There was a blinding flash of light.. 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 (The one with the cross-pollination)  
  
Disclaimer: This is to all our loving fans. Namely, Jo. And once again, none of this belongs to us. I admit to having stolen freely from Friends, Harry Potter, Star Wars and Discworld. We're very sorry, Mrs Rowling, Mr Pratchett and Mr Lucas, but it is so much easier to rip off other people's ideas than to come up with our own. And plus, I always wanted a lightsaber.  
  
"Aww, damn!" Morgana was not better pleased. Elle and Alicia were. "Woooooo!" they yelled in unison. Elle whipped out a list (à la Austin Powers) of things she always wanted to do in her life, and scored off have a lightsaber. Having completed one of her other goals, pinch Orli's ass (very simple when you're best friend's going out with Orlando's alter ego), this only left rule the world. Good things come to those who wait. Anyway, basically the intrepid trio were standing on the rusty sand of Tatooine. The jazz tinkling of the Mos Eisley cantina was on the air. And Elle and Alicia were in ecstasy. Morgana had just come to the conclusion that an evil genius' time machine of dubious origins should never be trusted. Especially when you're already cross-pollinated more stories than you can do a Morris dance at. Elle was about to run off in search of her kindred spirit, JarJar Binks, when they heard a strange tearing sound. As they were in the middle of the desert, there didn't seem to be much explanation for this fact, other than the already unsteady space/time/genre/film continuum had finally given up. Their suspicions were confirmed when a quivering house elf was deposited on the sand. "DOBBY!" yelled Elle, hugging the house elf to within an inch of his dirty tea towel. Morgana rolled her eyes, but Alicia was pleased, if a little puzzled, to see a familiar face. "How's Olli?" badgered Elle. "Oh, and, um, is Prof. McGonagal still mad at us? OH! And how did you get here, you cute lil thang, you?" The house elf looked bemused. He bowed. "Dobby chased by bad man, miss, very bad man." He ventured. Morgana's eyes brightened. The Harry Potter books were her one weakness. "At laaaaaaaaaast," she cried in her vengeful evil voice "the caaaah- wad has deigned to recognise me as a threat!" Then, returning to her normal (ever so slightly less evil) voice, she continued "No more Moldie Voldie, la la la la la LA." At this point, there was another ominous ripping noise. Alicia brandished her lightsaber hilt, weighing it up in her hands, carefully introducing herself to her new weapon. Elle whipped hers out and managed to brain Dobby with it. "Whups!" she grimaced. Morgana snorted, being an evil genius she did not require a lightsaber. Alicia and Elle looked at each other, took a deep breath, both shouted 'ONE-' and switched on their sabres. There was the statutory electrical discharge noise, and two beams of light flickered into life. Alicia's was silver, with baby blue and pink stripes. Elle wielded a blacked beam of light. The two looked at each other. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they cheered, and threw their arms around each other, as if to hug. Alicia's saber burned a hole in Elle's hair, and Elle nearly decapitated Alicia, who was only saved by some reflex house elf reaction. Dobby, while still unconscious, somehow threw himself at Elle and managed to knock her aim off balance. During this time, Saruman stepped onto the sands. Morgana was taken aback. "But, you're not." she began. Saruman nodded. "I know, I'm not supposed to be here, but there's a much more lucrative market for battlestation plans, nobody wants Uruk-Hai anymore. So I've decided to branch out, expand the business.I tried once before, you know, selling glow in the dark fangs, but that never really took off the ground." he mused. "All I can say is people drive a bloody hard stake.bargain, bargain, a bloody hard bargain.Anyway, I thought I may as well pop over and build another genetically modified army, only this time I thought clones - they're the future, you know." Morgana fixed him with one of her glares. "That's not fair, you know. We're the only ones allowed to cross- pollinate, and anyway, everyone knows you're Saruman. And apart from anything else, how are we supposed to fight you in two worlds?" The wizard stroked his beard. "Well, I've come rather incognito, I hoped no-one would notice. I thought, now's the time, seize the throat.day, seize the day, change my name, cut the beard a bit, and volia! Entirely new dictator!" Morgana thought for a moment. "Well, that's all very well, but we're supposed to be foiling you. How can we do that if you're here?" Dooku started. "I can clone myself, you know, once I get the enterprise running. I'll make sure someone's in Orthanc to manage my affairs, I'm due a new henchman soon, actually, name of Grima. Nasty, greasy haired chap, maybe you know him? I got him from Evil Henchmen R Us, very reasonable rates." The wizard, moonlighting as a Jedi was interrupted by a timid voice. "No, Dooku, sir, save the world, Dobby will!" The tiny green wrinkly thing produced a minuscule lightsaber with a green blade, and proceed to aggravate Dooku, jumping around him like a frog on speed. "Stop evil tyrants, Yoda will! Malfoy slave no more, warrior great is he!" Alicia, Elle and Morgana strode away, leaving the wizened green thing and the alarmed looking Sith Lord to settle their own grievances. "Well, all's well that ends well, etc etc," muttered Elle, "But I wanted to use my lightsaber! Do you think I can keep it in Middle Earth?" Morgana was about to answer in the negative when Hayden Christiansen strode by, looking very dark and brooding, swirling his cape. Elle and Alicia promptly fell over in a dead faint, conveniently leaving Morgana alone to battle the hordes of groupies running after the beleaguered Jedi Knight, in a nod to the actions of Anakin and Obi-Wan in the film. Morgana sighed. She hated having to dirty her hands fighting the uncontrolled masses. She strode to the front of the crowd, and took something from her waist. "Okay, here I have my lightsaber. It's invisible yet scary. Anybody want to fight me?" All of Hayden's fans scrambled to get past the crazy lady. Morgana sighed. Again. She ignited her non-existent saber, and invited the surging crowds to attack. They did so. All the while, Morgana was intoning: 'Here is my invisible lightsaber. Rar.' and other such macho comments which the occasion seemed to call for. She dispatched three groupies with her empty hand, and the strength of their conviction she had an invisible lightsaber. The rest of the assemblage turned and fled, and as soon as they had done so, Alicia and Elle hopped up, apparently unhurt. Having convinced a troop of fans she held a lightsaber by their staunch conviction she did, Morgana was happy. One of her heroines was Granny Weatherwax from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels. She dusted off her hands, and the three stepped into the wormhole which conveniently opened up to lead them back to Middle Earth.  
  
Wise old lady, she says Yoda is really Dobby, and Dooku is really Saruman. Foolish casting agents. Did they really think they could fool us???? 


End file.
